Harry Potter: Twisted Style
by Artemis17
Summary: Self Explanitory. Some pretty sick things happenign to the charachters of the beloved Harry Potter books. Not for those who cant take a bit of very twisted humor.


A/N - New story! I hope you guys like it! My friend Colleen and I wrote it during Health class. Please read and review!  
  
Mr. Malfoy gets a fright.  
  
Lucius Malfoy is on a mission form Voldemort. He is to spy on Miss Arabella Figg to see if she's trying to do Voldemort in. The catch is, he has to be a cat. During the first week everything seemed to be fine. It was on to second Monday that something strange and disturbing happened. He was sitting there eating his cat nibble when he noticed no other cats were around.  
  
Lucius - I wonder where Fluffy and Tottles and Fuzzy and E-dawg have gone?  
  
Arabella - Here kitty-kitties! Come to mommy! Mommy wants to play a game.  
  
Lucius - No! Run away!  
  
Arabella - There's my kitty! Come here, Cupcake!  
  
Lucius - Do I look like a cupcake to you? (pounces away form the old woman)  
  
Arabella - Ah, here you are cupcake! (picks him up) Oh you're so cute! I could just eat you up! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!  
  
Lucius - Ahhh! No! Watch where you put your hands!  
  
Arabella - Come with me Cupcake, I promise I won't hurt you. It might even be fun for you.  
  
Lucius - No! No! I wish to keep my innocence!  
  
Arabella, well, uh.......rapes Lucius but in the process gets scratched beyond recognition. (A/N - yes, yes I know my friend and I have sick minds but hey, it's funny!)  
  
Lucius - Noooooooo! I...I...I feel so used!  
  
Arabella puts Lucius down and goes to find another cat. Lucius feel a burning on his arm and apparates to Lord Voldemort.  
  
Voldemort - So.......how was this week. Anything new? (snickers)  
  
Lucius - My...My lord....we both know what happened, I'll just leave it at that! She's not trying to do you in.  
  
Voldemort - I have no clue what you mean. (smiles) Tell me what happened.  
  
Lucius - Nooo! My Lord! I be g you! (Voldemort pulls out his wand and puts Crucriatus Curse on Lucius. Lucius starts shrieking. Lucius - Ok! Ok!  
  
Voldemort - Wait! (goes and gets some popcorn) Ok. Start.  
  
Lucius - She...she...(chin trembles and Lucius looks like he's about to cry) she rapes meeeeee! (breaks into sobs)  
  
Voldemort - And...(with big grin on his face) what else!  
  
Lucius - That's all! (continues sobbing)  
  
Voldemort - Liar! Tell me or else!  
  
Lucius - There isn't anything else!  
  
Voldemort - Fine! Be that way! For your incompetence you will be sent to spy on her house for yet another week!  
  
Lucius - Noooooooo! (apparates to Figgs house)  
  
Voldemort - I knew that would work! I love to see him suffer.  
  
Malfoy is now back at Figg's house.  
  
Malfoy - must stay away form the sexually active psycho woman!  
  
Malfoy hears Figg calling his new name.  
  
Figg - Cupcake? Come here Cupcake.  
  
Malfoy - Twitch! (climbs on top of the kitchen cabinets and gets out of sight)  
  
Figg - Where is that darn cat?  
  
(Malfoy hits a basket that has pine comes in it. A pine cone bounces down to the floor. Figg turns around and starts walking outside and trips over the pine cone.) Damn pine cone! (She kicks the pine cone and it ricochets off the ceiling.)  
  
Figg - Ow! My eye! Damn cat! It's all your fault! If I ever get to you I'll get you fixed beyond recognition!  
  
Malfoy - Ahhhhhhh! Get me outa here!  
  
Malfoy appartes to his mansion.  
  
Mrs. Malfoy walks in.  
  
Mrs. Malfoy - You cheated on me! (smack)  
  
Malfoy - (T.T.S.) - I'm surrounded by psycho women! I didn't cheat! I was raped!  
  
Draco - Daddy? Daddy has been violated!  
  
Malfoy - Draco go to your room! This is too sensitive for your delicate ears.  
  
Draco - Yes daddy. (covers ears and goes up the stairs but not to his room.[awwwwww! Naughty, naughty!] )  
  
Mrs. Malfoy - You mean... Arabella Figg...?  
  
Malfoy -(spases out) - yes. (whimpers and crouches on floor in fetal position)  
  
Draco who is on top of stairs listening - I know I mustn't defy daddy, but...I know what he did to me last time I defied him but...It's just too interesting!  
  
Malfoy - I was soo scared...so violated...so used... I want my mommy!  
  
Draco - Poor daddy. He hasn't been like this since he discovered that mum lost his favorite stuffed gnome in the wash.  
  
Mrs. Malfoy - Let me get this straight. You were raped by Arabella Figg, while you were a cat?  
  
Malfoy - Yes! (breaks out into uncontrolled crying)  
  
Mrs. Malfoy - What kind of desperate, cheap, perverted, psycho-woman would rape a cat!?  
  
Malfoy - I don't knoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!(sobs)  
  
Draco - (who is still at the top of the stairs) - Here kitty-kitty! Where is that damn cat! C'mon Bubbles, here boy, c'mon! Daddy wants to show you something. Aha!  
  
He had found Bubbles and well......you know...... raped it. (A/N - I know shame on us we have sick minds yadda yadda yadda)  
  
Draco - Ahch! It bit me! My hand!  
  
Bubbles - Run away! Psycho cat rapper!  
  
Draco lunges for Bubbles but Bubbles runs down the stairs and out his cat door. Draco's parents are oblivious to what is happening. Draco continues to chase Bubbles but gets clonked on the head with a wooden projectile.  
  
Draco - Shit what was that! A pine cone? (picks up pine cone) The cat through a pine cone at me!  
  
Bubbles runs to meet the next door neighbor's cat Mr. Nutterbutter.  
  
Bubbles - Help! Evil(gasp)rabid(gasp)boy(gasp)child! Trying. To. RAPE me!  
  
Mr. Nutterbutter - (evil, satanic cat glare.)  
  
Draco - What the hell is that? (gets clonked on the head with yet another pine cone and various other nuts. Oh yeah. A grape also. [A/N - Kinda have to read other FF the Fellowship Gets Counseling to understand the significance of this.] )  
  
You see, while all this is happening several other cats join in the fight causing Draco to be over run by 6 cats. And 1 chipmunk.  
  
Mr. Nutterbutter - We need more projectiles Captain Sniffles! No! No! No! You tare hair from the roots of the head Lt. Mr. McNut-Head! Oh sorry. I didn't mean to step on you Private Bubba!  
  
Lt. Mr. McNut-Head - General! Colonel Supergrass needs some more artillery!  
  
Colonel Supergrass - Look! Cat-nip!  
  
Sergeant Lovely, Poisonous Drugs - No! How many times do we have to tell you! Don't go towards the weeeeeeeed! Or the light.  
  
Draco being in severe pain, (I mean there are 6 cats, most high on cat-nip, and a chipmunk, who are biting and scratching, petting him with pine cones and a grape!) screamed like a little girl (awwwwww). But unfortunately his parents care sooooo little about him that when the attack subsided he was missing an ear (A/N - see Freaky Fellowship) and a broken leg. (tear tear)  
  
Draco - I hate cats!(gets hit with a acorn) And chipmunks! 


End file.
